How to Set Realistic Boundaries with Your Teenager

As you may have noticed by now, teenagers have a deep-seated drive to push boundaries by questioning your authority and breaking the ‘laws’. 

Sometimes you may wonder why you bother coming up with the rules. It’s like your teenager waits for you to make a request, and they immediately do the total opposite. 

You may even think they are doing it on purpose— to punish you for being their parent😥.  

But, setting boundaries is important for teenagers as they try to figure out who they are and how much control they have over their life. 

Of course, this means conflicts are inevitable, but the way you set boundaries determines how often you’ll engage in unpleasant interactions with your teenager. 

Are your boundaries realistic? Or do you expect too much from your teenager? ParenTeen Kenya will answer these questions in the next section as we explore four steps to set boundaries with your teenager. Let’s get to it.

Step 1: Understand Your Teenager’s Needs and Abilities

Setting realistic boundaries with your teenager requires a solid understanding of their developmental needs and abilities.  

Teenagers undergo significant physical, emotional, and cognitive changes during adolescence, and acknowledging these changes is essential for establishing appropriate boundaries. 

During adolescence, teenagers strive for independence and autonomy while exploring their identity. Your teenager will push boundaries to assert their individuality and test limits.

As a parent or guardian, recognizing and respecting your teenager’s need for independence while maintaining a safe and nurturing environment is crucial. Before setting boundaries, ask yourself:

• How responsible and trustworthy has my teenager proven to be? Helps you gauge the extent and firmness of the boundary to establish.
• What are their strengths and weaknesses? Helps you know what to focus on. 
• Do they understand the consequences, and are they willing to participate? Assists you in knowing which consequence to use. 
• Do they respond well to direct instructions or prefer open discussions?

Reflecting on these questions will help you avoid imposing excessive restrictions or giving overly permissive boundaries that may undermine your teenager’s growth.

Related: Rebellious Teenager: Why Your Teen Rejects Your Advice Every Time

Step 2: Communicate Openly and Set Boundaries Together

A common mistake parents make is to set boundaries without their teen’s input and afterward command them to abide by the rules without asking questions. 

This approach breeds rebellion and increases conflict because the teenager feels ignored, misunderstood, and belittled. 

Without a doubt involving your teenager in the discussion will help you set realistic boundaries. Hence, engage in open and honest discussions about rules and boundaries. 

Begin by explaining the reasons behind the boundaries, focusing on their safety, well-being, and personal growth. 

Your teen will ignore your boundaries if you make it about yourself, how hard you work, and the stress it causes you when things are not in order. 

Open communication entails encouraging your teen to express their opinions and concerns and actively listen to their perspective. This approach helps build trust and demonstrates that you value your teens’ input. 

The following table differentiates positive and negative communication styles. Mastering them will help you know what you need to work on to improve your interaction with your teenager.

Working together with your teen helps you establish boundaries that are reasonable, practical, and align with shared values. Teenagers who feel involved in the process are more likely to adhere to the boundaries.

Step 3: Establish Clear Expectations and Consequences

Hawi has been having trouble with his 17-year-old son Mark over his new friends. He is desperate to control the situation and wants to limit the time he spends with them. One Saturday, Mark wanted to go to an afternoon party at his friend’s house. Hawi agreed but told him to be back before dark because he heard stories of the mischief they get into at night. 

Mark came home at 7:10 pm. “I told you to be home early,” Hawi said as he tried to master his anger. “You told me to be back before dark. There’s still some light outside.” Mark replied. Hawi’s irritation flared, and he quickly walked out of the room before he said or did something he would later regret. 

Who’s to blame for the way the situation turned out? Hawi? Mark? 

Some would say Mark because he appeared to have crossed the time boundary. Or maybe his response was not respectful at all. 

Others may say it is Hawi for not giving clear instructions, resulting in mixed expectations. For Hawi, before dark may have meant 5 pm or 6 pm, but for Mark, 7 pm wasn’t as dark.

If you do not give clear expectations to your teenager, they will look for loopholes to explore, and you may be fixed at a corner when you try to address the situation. That’s how they grow to resent you for disciplining them for something they believe they didn’t do wrong. 

To avoid getting into the above situation, you must lay out clear and realistic expectations and explain the consequences if they cross the boundaries. Ask yourself:

• Is the boundary clear and well-defined?
• Is it respectful to my teen’s body, mind, and body?
• Am I transparent and honest about the outcome if crossed?
• Is the boundary firm but not rigid to unavoidable circumstances?

Establish Consequences

After you make everything clear, set consequences for crossing boundaries that provide your teenager with a tangible understanding of the outcome after they violate the rule. 

Consistency is crucial in implementing consequences to reinforce the connection between behavior and outcomes. For instance, when they think of crossing a boundary, they should be able to know the consequence that will follow.

Consequences should be fair, reasonable, and proportional to the violation. Discuss and agree on the consequences together with your teenager. 

Ensure they understand the reasoning behind each action to its consequence. This combined approach promotes a sense of ownership and responsibility. Watch the following video to learn more about setting consequences.

Step 4: Monitor and Reassess

Once you establish boundaries, monitor how well your teen respects and follows them by regularly observing conversations, actions, and compliance with the agreed-upon limits.

Maintain open communication with them. Gather feedback and address any concerns or challenges related to the boundaries. 

Encourage them to express their thoughts and feelings regarding the boundaries and provide a safe space for discussion. For example, is there an extra activity in school that may cause them to miss “curfew” time? Listen to them explain it.

Next, evaluate whether the boundaries serve their purpose or if adjustments are necessary. Offer a reward if your teenager is consistent for a few days, weeks, or months. In addition, loosen the edge if they prove to be more responsible or reach a certain milestone. 

Remember that boundaries are not fixed because your teenager changes with every season. Be open to adapting the boundaries to better meet your needs and that of your teenager.

Need More Help? 

Do you need additional support and guidance in navigating the challenges of parenting teenagers? Parenteen Kenya provides a valuable resource. We offer parenting classes and workshops specifically tailored to address the unique needs and dynamics of raising teenagers. 

These classes offer insights, strategies, and practical tools to help parents set boundaries effectively, improve communication, and strengthen the parent-teen relationship. Reach out to us, and let us help you create a warm and nurturing home environment. 

Jane Kariuki

Jane Kariuki is a devout Christian, Clinician, Psychologist, and founder of ParenTeen Kenya. She authored an exceptional training manual used in her teens’ workshop and an instructional guidebook for her parenting classes. If she is not training, blogging, or counseling, Jane loves to spend time with her sweet husband and three children.