Discipline For Teenagers: How to Effectively Use Consequences

Have you been trying to discipline your teenager, and it’s proving to be ineffective? Have you tried multiple creative consequences for teenagers, and it still hasn’t worked? 

In fact, they seem not to care about the consequences you give them.

When teenagers face something unpleasant like a consequence, they often act like it doesn’t matter to them or seem unaffected by it. This response occurs because receiving a consequence for unacceptable behaviour makes a teenager feel powerless. 

The human nature in your teen that desires to control their life urges them to respond by rolling their eyes, shrugging their shoulders, or saying “whatever” to feel in control again.

Finding the proper consequence to discipline a teenager is a challenge for most parents. Sometimes the discipline method used doesn’t work because:

• Your timing is off
• You chose the wrong consequence 
• You have overused the consequence until it lost its meaning
• Your teenager manipulates the situation
• Lack of proper understanding of your teenager 

Today, we’ll help you know how to determine the right consequences to use. We’ll also give you some guidelines on implementing consequences, increasing the likelihood of your success.

What Determines the Consequences to Use For a Teenager?

You can know the type of consequence to use with your teenager by understanding their moral development stage. 

Moral development is the process by which your teenager develops morality—a sense of right and wrong and the reasoning used to explain their behaviour. 

For example, if you ask teenagers why they should obey rules? The responses you receive include:

• To avoid punishment 
• To get what I want
• To live well with other people and please them
• To respect authority (God, parents, etc.) which helps maintain law and order
• To maintain a functioning society while considering other people’s values and beliefs
• To uphold the universal principles that promote justice for all

The responses above are the six stages of moral development that Psychologist Lawrence Kohlberg developed. He proposed that all human beings go through these stages in life, from birth till old age. 

Some people stagnate in different stages, and few reach the sixth stage. Age doesn’t determine which stage you’re in but how you think and respond to moral situations.

The table below breaks it down in relation to the teenager’s mindset.

For a disciplinary method to work, you need to establish which stage of moral reasoning your teenager applies to relate with you and your rules. Each stage uses a different approach to consequences.

Self-Interest Stage 

Your teenager is only interested in what works for them. They don’t care as much about your rules or personal needs. They prefer to do things for their benefit, and they often ignore your instructions. They are prone to throw tantrums by:

• Shouting
• Name-calling
• Aggressive behaviour
• Long periods of sulking and whining

When you need to discipline a teenager in this stage, you’re bound to fail to accomplish your goal if the consequence you choose requires their cooperation. 

For example: If they’re spending too much time on their gadgets, telling them to put it down and study may not work because they’ll ignore your request or briefly comply. You’ll end up repeating the same request daily until they accuse you of nagging them.

Now, they control the narrative, and you’ll probably start doubting yourself and feeling guilty. Does that sound familiar😟?

If they’re at this stage, you need to use consequences you can enforce without their cooperation—for example, taking the phone away for some time, unplugging their gadgets and storing some crucial parts, or switching off the Wi-Fi. 

The consequences will trigger a tantrum, but it’ll get better with time as they realise you won’t badge until they comply.

Cooperation Stage

In this stage, your teenager knows its best to respect authority and desires to live peacefully with the family members. They may not like the idea of following your rules, but they know their life will be miserable if they don’t. 

The strength of the relationship you have with your teenager also matters. If your relationship is strong, they’ll see the importance of the role you play in their life. They’ll move from having to do what you request to wanting to do it because they know it’s for their good.

When you need to discipline them at this stage, you can use: 

• Consequences that need their cooperation
• Communication: They’re willing to listen to your guidance and implement it

Using the example above of too much time on their gadgets, you can give guidelines on when and how long they can use the gadgets without taking them away. You can even install a parental control app with them that helps to monitor screen time. 

If they breach the trust and use the gadgets outside the discussed time, you can give them a last warning then go to stage one consequences.

Maturity Stage

Kohlberg believed that only about 10–15% of people, including adults, reach this stage. The fundamental principle is, everything you do is for the good of everyone. 

No one has matched the greatest example of living such a selfless life like Jesus Christ.

“Even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Mathew 20:28.

Getting to this stage for a teenager means they care and love the family, and they’ll do whatever it takes to play their role well. They ask what needs to be done or suggest ways they can help improve the home experience. They’re willing to sacrifice their time, pocket money, and energy for the family members’ good.

When you need to discipline them, it’s appropriate to have a consultation session where you discuss the entire experience and decide the best consequence for the behaviour. They tend to feel terrible about disappointing you and are less likely to repeat the offence. 

Helpful Guidelines on Implementing Consequences for Teenagers

Knowing the proper consequences to apply gives you a great start at helping your teenager learn essential life lessons. You also need to remember and practice other factors to ensure the entire process is a success. They include:

• Don’t try and get your teenager to feel sorry with a long lecture: It doesn’t work, especially if it’s done while you’re upset. Your job at the moment is to enforce the pre-agreed consequence and later have a brief non-judgemental discussion.
• Avoid getting into an argument about the consequences: Your teenager’s goal is to get out of the consequence, they’ll try all means possible, and that includes begging or annoying you until you dismiss the consequence. If not, they’ll have succeeded in further upsetting you, which is a small win for them.
• Don’t use cutting words that your teen can pick as open dislike or disgust: It’ll cause emotional wounds that take long to heal or cause them to plunge deeper into rebellion. They need to know you love and care for them even on their worst behaviour. 
• Seek guidance from God and pray for your teenager: You can only teach and influence your teenager to turn from destructive ways. Only they can decide to change through God’s intervention. 
• Connect with your teenager by having regular bonding time: Teenagers crave adult attention; if they only get it when you want to discipline them, they’ll get into more mischief.
• Read the Bible during family time: The Bible is a tremendous resource to give your teenager a wealth of knowledge about life choices. It focuses on helping your teenager to be earthly useful as well as preparing them for eternity. 

Frequently Asked Questions 

How Do You Discipline a Rebellious Teenager Who Doesn’t Care About Consequences?

Every teenager cares about something or someone; the only consequences teenagers don’t care about are those that don’t mean much to them. Look for new consequences that matter more to them. After that:

• Make it clear the expectations you have for them and the new consequences to follow
• Use consequences that don’t need their cooperation
• Allow safe, natural consequences to take effect
• Connect with them by engaging in activities they love
• Praise them when they do something right

How Do You Deal With a Troubled Teenager?

• Don’t take it personally; you may fail to help them objectively
• Establish boundaries and ground rules with consequences for their level of cooperation
• Sign them up for a competent Teen’s Workshop
• Connect and communicate with them through activities
• Take them for individual or group counseling

Image source: Unsplash and Pexel

Jane Kariuki

Jane Kariuki is a devout Christian, Clinician, Psychologist, and founder of ParenTeen Kenya. She authored an exceptional training manual used in her teens’ workshop and an instructional guidebook for her parenting classes. If she is not training, blogging, or counseling, Jane loves to spend time with her sweet husband and three children.